I am not being very productive at work these days. Knowing that I will soon be quitting makes me feel not so ambitious. I have started a new project: typing up directions for my replacement! Now this I am motivated to do! Not sure yet who that will be, but I am really hoping by the middle of June that I am all done working outside the home.
I really want to be home.
Now, I've made this comparison before, but I think it's a little like being engaged. You can imagine what marriage will be like. You can dream about it. You are sure it's going to be wonderful. Coming home is like that for me. I can imagine what it will be like and dream about it. But I really have no idea until I get there.
In my mind, I picture me cooking with my daughters, our little matching aprons crisp and clean as we smile at each other. I picture us reading together on the couch and them skipping off to do chores when asked. I picture them turning into these well-behaved children who fetch me many compliments whenever we are out in public. They will exceed all grade level expectations due to my wonderful homeschooling techniques. They will amaze their Bible class teachers with their knowledge of scriptures. We will have a cozy home and enjoy our days together always.
Sleep deprivation will do this to you.
In my sane mine I know better. It's going to be a major adjustment. One that they don't even know is coming! (We haven't told older daughter that she will be homeschooling next year. Not even sure she's ever heard of it.) Neither one of them really remembers what it's like to have mommy home (I used to be home every summer with them.) And none of us have lived with the changes that God has been making to our home. Chores? Unheard of. Training? What does that mean? Learning to be a wife and mother? Never thought about it before.
I prayed for a long time today in the car. It was nice to drive by myself somewhere and just talk to God uninterrupted. I have come to the conclusion that I have some real thinking and praying to do. I need to really think through what my goals are. As a wife, as a keeper at home, as a mom and trainer of my children, as a homeschooler. If I don't know where I'm going with all this then it might turn out to be one big disaster. I want to be a godly family. I want to raise godly children. The Bible is just about all I have to go on.
When we become homeschoolers in 1 more day, that will bring the grand total of homeschooling families at our church to....................one. OK, not a lot of support there. I can't really think of anyone that I know who makes homemaking a goal in their life. Or even thinks much about it. So, not a lot of support there. And raising my girls to be wives and mothers? People I know would really think we had gone off the deep end at our house. We just feel like the oddballs lately.
Maybe that means we are doing something right? At any rate, that leaves the Bible and prayer as my only sources for encouragement. And my internet "friends." This is going to be one interesting journey. And I am ready to begin.
Right after I get some more sleep!