I hit the wall last night. I was frustrated because the kitchen was a complete mess after I had worked so hard to clean it perfectly just a few hours before and a certain 3 year old was trying my patience. I have been home full time for 3 weeks now. And it is a lot to adjust to.
I'm sure those of you who have always been home cannot relate. Some moms quit working the minute they found out they were pregnant. Others have never worked outside the home. I am not one of those mothers. I am 36 years old. I have 2 children. We have been married for 14 years next week.
Yet I feel like I'm just starting out.
And then there are these moms who seem to just breeze through their days with 10 children who are all homeschooled, can their own vegetables, sew all their family's clothing, rise early to have personal devotional time each morning and write as though they love every single minute of it.
I realize they could be lying! :) I have never once thought, "Man, I wish I could be like that." But I think that deep down I wished for something they have that I percieve myself to not have. My husband asked me last night while we were talking, "Just what is your standard?" And it hit me this morning...it's pretty darn high. I never really thought these things out, mind you. They were just sort of rattling around in the back of my mind. All these picture of godly women who seem to excel at being wives, mothers, housekeepers...these were in the back of my mind.
You realize that if I didn't have access to the internet I wouldn't know anything about families like this. And yet I am so glad that I do. These godly women have raised my standard in a good way. Now I just have to find the balance.
I never dreamed I would be home. I never saw myself as a "homemaker." I never thought we would be homeschooling. So I am trying to fit myself into these new roles and it's giving me a little bit of trouble. My husband, too, is at a brand-new job where with a lot of responsibility. Add to that the weight of being the only source of income for our family, and you've got a lot of stress between us.
So today I am wandering around doing those things that need to be done and asking the Lord,
"How do you want OUR family to be?"
What kind of family will we be? How will my home look? What kind of homeschool will we have?What kind of mom am I? No, I don't think it's just all up to us how we want to be. I think there is a standard and it's found in God's word. But surely there is room for our individual personalities, preferences, likes and dislikes, etc. I just have to figure out how this all works.
For something that is supposed to come so naturally, this sure is hard sometimes!
Man! Do I need to shut-up and just go fold the clothes already or what?