I hit the wall last night. I was frustrated because the kitchen was a complete mess after I had worked so hard to clean it perfectly just a few hours before and a certain 3 year old was trying my patience. I have been home full time for 3 weeks now. And it is a lot to adjust to.
I'm sure those of you who have always been home cannot relate. Some moms quit working the minute they found out they were pregnant. Others have never worked outside the home. I am not one of those mothers. I am 36 years old. I have 2 children. We have been married for 14 years next week.
Yet I feel like I'm just starting out.
And then there are these moms who seem to just breeze through their days with 10 children who are all homeschooled, can their own vegetables, sew all their family's clothing, rise early to have personal devotional time each morning and write as though they love every single minute of it.
I realize they could be lying! :) I have never once thought, "Man, I wish I could be like that." But I think that deep down I wished for something they have that I percieve myself to not have. My husband asked me last night while we were talking, "Just what is your standard?" And it hit me this morning...it's pretty darn high. I never really thought these things out, mind you. They were just sort of rattling around in the back of my mind. All these picture of godly women who seem to excel at being wives, mothers, housekeepers...these were in the back of my mind.
You realize that if I didn't have access to the internet I wouldn't know anything about families like this. And yet I am so glad that I do. These godly women have raised my standard in a good way. Now I just have to find the balance.
I never dreamed I would be home. I never saw myself as a "homemaker." I never thought we would be homeschooling. So I am trying to fit myself into these new roles and it's giving me a little bit of trouble. My husband, too, is at a brand-new job where with a lot of responsibility. Add to that the weight of being the only source of income for our family, and you've got a lot of stress between us.
So today I am wandering around doing those things that need to be done and asking the Lord,
"How do you want OUR family to be?"
What kind of family will we be? How will my home look? What kind of homeschool will we have?What kind of mom am I? No, I don't think it's just all up to us how we want to be. I think there is a standard and it's found in God's word. But surely there is room for our individual personalities, preferences, likes and dislikes, etc. I just have to figure out how this all works.
For something that is supposed to come so naturally, this sure is hard sometimes!
Man! Do I need to shut-up and just go fold the clothes already or what?
Yes, Brenda, you are doing the right thing about asking the Lord what *your* family looks like. Yours will not look like anyone else's, nor are you like anyone else. (yes, we all need to be reminded of that! I know I do!) I think that's where you need to start is with Him...asking Him...what is *His* standard. Reading blogs and reading of other women in their homes can and should be an encouragement, but not something that you should neccesarily aspire to or think you should be like. The person you should be like is Christ.
ReplyDeleteI think it's very normal you are having some adjustment issues with your new life!! Pretty soon, you'll be off and running, with a God-confidence all your own!! It *will* be natural to you.
There are days where I am frustrated, too. It is a process, just remember...it's a process...for all of us. :) Blessings, Brenda, you are doing a great job!!
I am willing to admit that my definition of success is subject to change...some days success is an awesome science fair project...some days it's a clean bathroom...some days it's having the same number of children at the end of the day as I had when I started!
ReplyDeleteI quit working two weeks before our wedding, and I've never been employed outside our home. We've been married almost 17 years and we have four homeschooled children. I'm telling you that because, even though my route has been different, many of my feelings have been the same as the ones you describe. Your Lord knows, and He cares. Let His Word be the lamp for your feet.
Dearest Brenda,
ReplyDeleteYou sound like me about ten years ago. It is exciting to hear all these changes going on in your life as it brings back many memories!
Be patient with yourself and family, it takes a while to get to where you want to be (I know--I am still trying to attain some of this)! It is wonderful to have an end goal in mind--if you aim for nothing you will hit it every time. Your family is blessed to have a wife and mother who desires so much for her family. Keep up the good work and follow the Lord's leading and He will guide you to your desired destination.
Many blessings...