If We Make It Through December

I took dance for P.E. in high school. Much better than having to play volleyball or run. We stretched every morning to music. That was a really nice part of my day. The teacher played things like Bread and Prince and yes, even Merle Haggard. Those lyrics came to me this morning, sadly.

Whew. Finances are kicking my tail. I'd like to see us as poor, put-upon, hard-working Brenda and S who give so much and have such hardships come their way. But I'm more inclined (always) to see us as stupid, irresponsible Brenda and S who cannot get their act together financially. In truth, I don't think either one are correct views of the situation. And probably its a combination of the two plus some other view I don't even have.

All I know is that I'm glad God loves us. When I quit my job 9 1/2 years ago to come home (part time at first) there wasn't any possible, feasible way it was going to work on paper. And yet here we are. The Lord ALWAYS amazes me with the way things work out. He has an open stage to amaze me this month because from where I stand, things aren't good.

As if a year and a half of medical bills (still paying for Bee and that other little trip I took to the hospital) weren't enough, we've had a doozy of a spending spree on the medical front lately. Nothing like Carrie. She's the queen of the copay this fall. Still, we've spent nearly $400 on medical and medical related stuff since the week before Thanksgiving. Ouch.

On a happier note, we have our homeschool group's Christmas party today. The girls are each going to play a song on the piano. Little Bit has worked SO HARD to learn hers. It was so difficult for her and I'm so proud of her effort. I had to enlarge the sheet music and copy it onto 2 different colors of paper so the lines are alternating colors. I pasted all that inside a file folder so she can see the song better. Seeing double is a bummer. The girls are also going to do a little comedy act together. They've had so much fun practicing for it. And of course we have a book exchange. Our used book store here in town is going out of business and we got 3 books for the names we drew, plus a book Sweetheart wanted, for $7. I was very happy about that!

We are finished with piano and choir until the new year. That's a relief. I like being "off" for a while. Today we are knocking off of school because we have the Christmas party all afternoon and I need to drive to the big city to pick up a form for Sweetheart's physical therapy. Having some trouble with all that which I'll update you on later. So we're going to spend our remaining few hours cleaning the house. Whenever finances are bad, I ALWAYS have a desire to clean the house.

Is it because I feel out of control and want order? Does it make me feel more responsible? Do I think "Well, the least we can do is have a clean house?" I don't know, but it always happens. Psychoanalyze that.

And now I will count my blessings. Some of them.

1. Salvation from my Lord.
2. My husband and daughters.
3. A roof over our heads.
4. Cars to drive.
5. Food in the kitchen.
6. Heat.
7. Clothes to wear.
8. God's love.

True Confessions

I am a horrible person. And very selfish.

You know, ever since my ambulance ride nearly a year ago, I have worried more about my health. It was a tiny taste of my own mortality. Something could go wrong. I am not immune to illness and poor health.

Every time I hear a cancer diagnosis (which is a lot) I think, "Oh please not me." We've had two people in the hospital lately--my cousin is still hanging on and a young man at our church just passed away last night. I am sad for them. I pray for them. I am concerned.

But my thoughts go back to me far too often. What if that were our family? What if that happened to me? To us? It's not right to worry. So I'm confessing here that it scares me.

Oh, I'm not afraid to die. I am afraid of leaving my children without their mom. Who would homeschool them? They can't just be dumped into public school! They aren't "on level" in everything! What would happen? What about Little Bit's tics? Who would take care of Baby Bee? It breaks my heart to think of leaving them before they are grown.

So I pray. I pray for mercy that I do not deserve. I pray for good health. I worry about what I'm eating. I worry--what if something is growing in my body right now and I don't know about it? What if we don't catch something until it's really bad?

And I am thankful. I am thankful for every single day I have with them. I am happy to fix their hair and wash their clothes. I am glad to do really normal, unpleasant, everyday mom things. I am thankful that I can do them. That I am here.

But I have to stop worrying. Yes, I need to eat healthy. Yes, we live in a toxic waste dump. I wish we could move. Yes, I need to exercise. Yes, I need to teach my children diligently while I have them here with me.

I am weary. I am tired of diagnoses. I am tired of death. I am tired of this broken creation and of people snubbing their nose at the living God.

And yet, He waits. He does not want anyone to perish. How great is His love for us!

Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

Worrying in the Middle of the Night

Does anyone else do this? I know the Bible says not to worry, and I try really hard to not. But sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and absolutely every single thing I've been concerned about comes to the front of my brain and they all seem like completely insurmountable problems at 2:00am.

For example, last night I woke up and worried about money. We blew through some cash this weekend on various things (almost all of it necessary) and for some reason I started tallying up the amount we had spent and freaking out. FOR SURE we were out of money and would have NO MONEY to pay our bills in the morning. I very nearly got up to balance the checkbook just to assure myself but that seemed silly. I really did want to sleep.

This morning, of course, it wasn't nearly as bad as it had seemed in the night. The bills are paid.

I worried about other things in the night. The Tourette's around here is bad right now (the worst its ever been) and it is stressful. I thought about getting up to research more but again, I wanted sleep. Little Bit was sleeping on a mattress in our room last night and every time she moved she banged into our world's loudest drawer pulls. That wasn't really helping the sleep.

I can't even remember all the things I was keyed up about last night but none of it seemed important this morning at 7:00. Why? Why do I do this? I feel totally wide awake but I must not be in my right mind because otherwise things wouldn't seem like such big problems. I almost need someone to shake me and say, "What are you doing? Go to sleep!"

I bet I ground my teeth down several centimeters last night. Hate that.

All that wasted worrying when today I have actually accomplished a lot! I don't have to cook supper tonight as we are celebrating  my husband's and dad's birthdays tonight. That gives me like, an extra hour and a half to my day!

So, does anyone else wake up freaking out sometimes? And yes, I prayed. A lot. And I did fall back asleep. Several times. Sigh. I decided after S left for work the best move I could possibly make was to go back to bed.

It's like that Robert Frost poem:

Two choices stood before me in the morning
And I---I chose the one less vertical.
And that has made all the difference.

I Could Go For Trading Seashells

I hate finances. I really do. Nothing used to get me more worried and stressed out than money, or the lack thereof. In fact, after I quit working full-time, I would imagine I lost a year of my life worrying about how we were going to make it.

Good times. Or not.

I have been home now for 5 or 6 years and I draw a whopping $50 a month right now teaching sewing lessons. I am thankful that I have that opportunity, but I wish I had more things I could do here at home to earn money. So, husband has a lawn care business and I've thought well, I'll just support that and get behind that and help him with that. And he is having the hardest time finding weekly yards to mow. I keep wondering what is up?

I mean, here we are....husband is perfectly willing to work this extra job so we can pay off debt and get ahead and....it's just not working. God must have something He wants us to learn from all this. I'm thinking there is a good reason.

In the meantime, I'm reviewing credit card terms and making phone calls (it's not that bad--but I just want to have them paid off! We're certainly under the average family debt in America, but his root canal and my recent surgery didn't help matters.) Today I scooted all around the house rounding up change that I will turn in tomorrow to the bank. I've got grocery shopping down to a pretty frugal routine. I'm a crusader for lower electric bills this summer. (Little Bit: I'm hot. Me: Get some ice water. No mercy.) I'm trying really hard.

But we are blessed. SO blessed.

I really could go for the bartering system though. And I can't help thinking about Abraham Lincoln's father who could not read or write. When he owed a man money, he made a mark on the wall. When he paid him back, he wiped the mark off.

Doesn't that sound much simpler?

Re-Adjustment

OK. So. Well.

We aren't having a baby. Let me get you caught up. On Thursday of last week I started bleeding. You never want to see that, but I know it happens so I wasn't TOTALLY panicked...but almost. On Friday the doctor had me come in for blood work---which of course would not be ready until Tuesday since it was the long Memorial Day weekend.

I think you know what a great weekend we had.

I continued to bleed...continued to pray and yes, even worry. I think I ran through every single possible emotion during the weekend. Twice.

On Tuesday it took all day for the results to come in and they weren't great, but they still gave me some hope. Wednesday morning first thing we went in for an ultrasound and it revealed a blighted ovum. I understand some people have never heard of that. I actually had as it happened to my college roommate after she got married. So my body was pregnant....but no baby ever formed.

The doctor said that the inevitable miscarriage was still a long way off and I had a lot of pain and bleeding ahead of me. She suggested a d & c to avoid all of that, which wasn't a hard decision as there was no baby involved. I went in yesterday morning really early to the hospital and had my first ever surgery unless you include my ingrown toenail in college. I don't...because I sat up and drank a coke through that and this was a little different.

If it sounds like I am talking calmly about this, it's because I am. I have a had a great army of prayer warriors praying for us and I have felt it. I had already had such an emotional weekend that to hear WHAT was wrong and that there was NO baby.....actually brought relief. One friend said it best: we are mourning what we had imagined would be. And I would add: but at least we are not mourning the death of a child. That's better...it really is.

So, we are re-adjusting our plans and our dreams for the immediate future. Does God have a baby (which I have prayed for 2-3 years) in the future plans for our family? I don't know. But I do know I will continue to trust Him.

NOT Cattle

We had to drive to a local Bible bookstore this weekend which just happens to be located near the biggest mall around. Oh my word, the traffic.

We drove past most of it to get to our destination but I couldn't help but stare at the LONG line of cars all trying to get into one lane and one place at the same time.

It reminded me of cattle. Moo. Get in line.

I went to college in a country town and the agricultural department had cows out by the highway. At milking time, the cows just automatically got in line to be milked. No questions asked. Moo.

May I just say......we are not cattle. Get out of line!

I was so glad we weren't in that line for the mall. And I was so glad to read this article today too.

Why are you doing what you are doing? Not just at Christmastime, but in all aspects of your life? Are you just in line doing what the other cows are doing? Or are you depending on God's road map for your life?

Raking in the Dough

Tomorrow I'm going to earn some money. The first money I have earned in at least 2+ years. I have always worked up until I quit a few years ago to stay home. I worked from the age of 13 until I went to college. I took off my freshman year at the request of my dad so I could "learn to study." After that I worked the remainder of college and after graduation, began teaching. After I quit teaching, I worked part-time for several years. I have nearly always drawn a paycheck of some sort.

Tomorrow I will use all the training I received as a reading specialist to test a little girl who is struggling with reading. I will earn $10.

I know! But I'm still excited. It feels good to use what I know to help someone else and earn a measly little amount to help our family. Who knows? Maybe testing will turn into some tutoring jobs? It certainly would be nice.

It's hard to trust God for the future sometimes. I know so many families who have operated under the philosophy that mom will stay home when the kids are little and then return to work when they are in school. Many times the reason given is because they have to do something. I mean, in a few years the kids will be in college and they will need money for cars and braces, etc.

I understand that way of thinking, but if you understand God's word to say that wives should be keepers at home, then that plan doesn't work as well. Homeschoolers really have a problem as no matter how old the kids are.....they aren't going to school. It makes it doubly hard for mom to help out earning money. Which makes you begin to question all the things you are "supposed" to do.....college, cars, vacations, etc. Who says that's how we must live?

I've heard women say that they truly believe God wants them to be home, but then when they throw their job application out there and get a job offer, they say that clearly God wanted them to have that job! Either the Bible addresses this or it doesn't. I don't believe God would leave us to wonder on such a huge topic.

We are just better at listening to our culture than God's Word.

So why am I taking this job? Because it will take 1 hour and my kids will not be neglected. I can help a friend, earn a little money in the process and be done. I think there are probably tons of ways for wives to earn money and I am all for that if it can be done from home. The more a job takes a woman away from the home (and from her family!) the more leery I am. It's hard to keep the home if you aren't there.

Ah well. I never thought this way until a few years ago. My heart changed long before I came home. I didn't think there was ANY way I could ever become a homemaker but by the grace of God....I am. Whenever I think of it, I am motivated to work even harder for my family. I am so grateful to be here.

I just found out about a friend who has gone back to work full time as her youngest child is now in school. It breaks my heart to think she is not at her house taking care of things anymore. I am praying for their family. I hope they will decide it's not worth it, trust God, and she will come home again. I do not think it is impossible anymore. The Bible transcends culture and years. His plan for the family still works.

Even if you have to eat a lot of bologna sandwiches. :)

If You Say You Trust Him...

Today I read 2 Samuel chapter 24. I don't remember ever reading this story before in the life of King David. I have been thinking about it all day.

King David told his men to go and take a census of all the fighting men in his kingdom. They acted a bit shocked that he would want to do such a thing, but they obeyed. After they had counted all the men, David felt guilty and admitted he had sinned. It wasn't readily understandable to me why....but apparently he was not trusting in the strength of God but taking matters into his own hands and taking inventory of what he had at his disposal. You know, God never was interested in his army having more fighting men than the enemy!

I thought about this story all day as I mulled over our finances. I say I trust God to provide....but then when things are tight I sit and scheme how we can make more money. If I'm not down-right worrying about finances (which I don't do NEARLY as much as I used to) then I'm thinking, thinking, thinking about how I can solve the problem.

Look, I'm not saying that I should just sit here on my rump and not work and wait for God to provide. We must be good stewards. We must do our part. In that light, S and I set up a craft booth last month at a local craft mall. We haven't made any money to speak of on this endeavor. I keep wondering if God really wanted us to spend our time working on things for that booth, or if He just wanted us to trust Him to provide so that we might spend our time serving Him in some way. Did we miss an opportunity? Are we spinning wheels He never intended for us to spin?

Where is the line? Did I move from worrying about finances, to scheming about them?

Either I trust Him to provide or I don't.

I'm not saying no one should do things for extra money! I'm saying that taking matters into my own hands (even just mentally) and planning all the ways I can take care of things just in case God doesn't come through for me is wrong. It's sin.

Either I trust Him or I don't.

An Update on Our Story

I would really have liked to ended that last post with the words: "And they lived happily ever after." I really would. However, that isn't the end of the story. God is still working and revising this family.

It has been a great year at home. I have adjusted to being a homemaker and homeschooling mom. I still have a LONG way to go, but I really enjoy it. I feel honored to be the one teaching our girls. I am thankful every single day for the opportunity to be a helper to my husband, a keeper of our home, and the trainer of our children (along with my husband). This is how it's meant to be, folks. I feel so protected. I think about all the struggles I had when I had my "career" and how things were and I really think that God would have preferred I never be in that situation. That our family never be in that state. I'm not saying "every woman should be at home and there is no other way God can work in your family. " At all. Because obviously He took our family where we were many years ago. In this fallen, sinful world things have gotten really out of whack. However, if you feel God calling you to be obedient to scripture, but you think, as I did, "But I CAN'T. I'm stuck in this job and there's NO WAY (how many times did I say that, Lord?) that I can stay at home so that's that" then pray. Pray. And then pray some more. God's way works and He is not too small to handle your situation.

OK, I'm off that soap box now. Anyway, I wish I could say that we are done with all these revisions and God now has our family just like He wanted so end of story. But I can't. Truthfully, without going in to detail, just about everything feels up in the air to us right now. I don't feel that we are now where we are going to end up. It feels like big changes are looming on the horizon. There are a lot of unknowns right now.

But this I do know: God is God. He is powerful. He is all-knowing. He is in control. And He will take care of us. Part of the reason I wanted to write our story down was so I could have an account of God's faithfulness, lest we forget where He has brought us from. The God who has done all of this is capable of handling our future as well. I know that.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21

Shaping Me Part 2

Read Part 1 here.

At the end of my year at home it was obvious I would need to go back to work at least part-time. Neither one of us really wanted to see our lifestyle go back to the way it was with me working full-time and the kids in child care. So, I found a job as a teacher's aide at Sweetheart's old preschool. I loved that place when she had gone there 2 days a week and working there was great too. Little Bit was almost 2 years old and went to the toddler's class down the hall while I worked. I was still able to drop Sweetheart off at 1st grade in the mornings and pick her up in the afternoons. There was time to run errands and cook supper. Things were pretty good. Except the small detail about how we couldn't afford it. It seems being a preschool aide, while enjoyable, does not pay well. At all.

I prayed and prayed. Oh how I prayed. I'll tell you, I was one thick-headed woman. It took over a year of near-panic-worrying about money before I finally learned (in my heart AND head) that God provides. Here was a great example. I will tell of His excellent ways, my friends.

So, I knew God would provide. I kept remembering what a friend had told me, "Brenda, of COURSE God wants you home with your daughters!" I believed that to be true, but we had built ourselves a little life that didn't include me staying home. We had not been very purposeful about making that happen. What? Was I to believe that God would just sweep away all of our years of mistakes in one move and "fix" everything? Is that God's job? But I couldn't help it...I believed He could fix it. I prayed for His will to be done. And I meant it. Since I had no more ideas of how things could possibly work themselves out--I HAD to depend on God. I had nothing left but to pray, "Your Will be done."

I'm sure He was waiting on that.

I had only spent the last year working, striving, and trying everything in my power to make things work. I had run out of options. I had to turn to Him. So I left work at the preschool one day and needed to drop off some receipts with the church secretary for my husband. I prayed all the way there and I believe I was praying as I walked through the parking lot. I thought this was just another mindless errand. After dropping off the receipts I casually threw out a "You don't know of any good jobs, do you?" to the secretary. She answered, "As a matter of fact, you can have this one. I'm looking for a replacement."

You could have knocked me over with a feather! It worked out. It was more money than the preschool job. It was 4 hours a day (less than the preschool job) and the childcare right there in the building was FAR cheaper. Plus, Sweetheart could go to the private school there instead of being in another city 15-20 minutes away from me. God is good.

I like to think of that job, which lasted for 18 months, as the "bridge" year. Or year and half, as the case may be. God was getting us ready for even more revisions. And He was taking care of our little family in the meantime.

Next week: Part 3

I blogged about this story last year when my blog first began. Here's a post I liked about God providing. I liked it, but at that time I only had one reader. And he was sitting on the couch right by me. :)

A Little Help Here?

Some time last year I remember reading the phrase "our family vision." To tell you the truth, even though I understand all three of those words, I had no idea what a vision for a family was. I was curious. Since that time I have figured it out. Through reading, through study, through God revealing a lot of things to me...I have a vision for how we want to raise our girls. I did NOT have a parenting vision or family vision when we first started. This is new.

But I am sure of it as I can be because it is grounded in scripture. Oh, I still have some questions about the specifics and we are still pondering some things that are far in our future, but I can safely say we have parenting goals now.

So how come no one is helping us with those?

All the time lately I find myself thinking, "this (fill-in-the-blank) is not lining up with our parenting goals." Why is that? Look, I don't expect secular organizations' philosophies to line up with ours. I understand we don't have to participate in them (and won't be next year!). But really, shouldn't someone, somewhere understand what we are trying to do with our girls? Where are the like-minded folks I read about everyone else finding?

I'm not whining...I'm just curious. It gets a little frustrating, but we will stand. Maybe one day we will find ourselves in a community of people who believe as we do. Maybe we are to be an example for others. I really don't know. I do know I am getting tired of feeling like an 0dd-ball. I don't want the girls to be upset one day that our family seems so different when I know there are plenty of others who think like we do...even if we don't know them personally.

And I'm beginning to realize that following Christ is not always convenient. But I wouldn't choose to be anywhere else.

We Now Interrupt Your Well-Made Plans to Bring You Hurricane Season...

Well. I had everything all planned out from now until the end of the month. I have a certain number of things I want to get done before we begin the homeschool year and another certain number of things I need to get done before then.

Enter Tropical Storm Erin.
Soon to enter: Hurricane Dean.

So today instead of working on the classroom or making lesson plans, I find myself the proud owner of a to-do list. My husband is extremely good at making sure we are taken care of. While they make preparations at his work, he has given me the task of preparing some things here at home. This is an opportunity to put my talk into action, folks. Will I jump in enthusiastically and lay aside all of my plans to help him? God intends for me to be S.'s helper, so I can't think of a job or task more important than those my husband has asked me to do.

Sweetheart's birthday plans have also been altered. Going to the beach tomorrow suddenly doesn't seem all sunny and wonderful (we might still be able to go). And her intended family party is scheduled for the day the hurricane will probably make land. Will I be flexible and trust God when my plans are messed up?

I am reminded of this verse. It's been going through my head all morning.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Here's another:

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

Will I get all stressed out when things don't go as planned? Or will I remember Who is in charge always? This is why God's plan for the family (as opposed to the feminist world-view) is so refreshing and gives peace. I have no doubt that I am to do what my husband asks of me. I have no doubt that God is in control. All that is needed from me is to rest in this place. I am not in charge of the family. It's not too much further to jump to the conclusion that I am also not in charge of everything else. I am in charge of how I will follow those who lead me. I'm telling you, if you haven't tried giving up control yet, you should. There is peace here.

Here is a pic of our street yesterday, thanks to Erin!

I'm Handing Over the Red Pen

A while back I wrote about the stress of all the changes to our family. Like I said, these are things I prayed for. They are blessings--straight from God. But they are big revisions to the way our family operates! So, my husband is at his new job, daughter is home from school, and in 3 days I quit my job. It's all almost, finally, here.

So, 4 years ago this is what we looked like: we were a 2 full-time working parents, 1 child at the babysitter's house and 1 on the way, church-attending, hobby-pursuing, maybe one day we'll actually put some money in savings, not much thought to what the Lord wants for our lives family.

And now? We are a 1 income, 1 homemaker, 2 children, pay the bills AND put some money in savings, part-time youth ministry, Bible studying, trying to see how God wants us to stand out from the world family.

I am so excited. I am so determined. I am so blessed. I am so full of big plans.

And I am also a little bit scared.

I'm scared because I see families like this, whom I admire very much, and I just don't see us ever being like that. I don't want to be just like them--but there are things about the Maxwells, and many other families I have met online, that I hope do make their way into our family. That's another post entirely. The point is, I don't want to be the family we were 4 years ago, except oh yeah, mom stays home now and so do the kids. I want to be a totally different family than those I see around me in real life.

I think what I'm scared of is that I won't live up to this standard. I feel that for our children to turn out well--a lot is depending on me. For our home to be a comfort and place of rest for my family--a lot is depending on me. Hey folks, it's easier to drop those kids off with someone and go to the office. Trust me! How will I ever accomplish what I want to see in our family? I'm no spiritual giant!

And then...I read this post at The Flourishing Mother. And I read this post that she linked to. Then I read this other post that she linked to. And now I am filled with peace. Peace because I remember that God is the one making the revisions on this family. I'm the one hopping around pointing out families I admire and saying, "Like that, God? Is that what you want?"

I'm thinking it would work better for me to pray. And trust. And spend my whole days walking with God. And let Him be the Reviser. Please read these posts. And may they bless you the way they blessed me today.

All Change Is Stressful

I came from possibly the most stable home environment that has ever existed. I lived in the same home until I went to college. My parents still live there. My schoolwork from 1st and 2nd grade is still in a box in the closet. A lot of my toys are still there and my children play with them. (Don't think I haven't checked e-bay for prices on these things. One day when mom and dad are out of town I am going to make some serious money!) We attended the same church my entire life. I never moved schools. My mom rearranged the living room furniture exactly 2 times a year. There were very few divorces in my family. The worst people I knew were my aunt and uncle who smoked. I was just sure they were going to hell.

When our older daughter was little, my husband and I had a discussion. I asked him what from his childhood did he want her to have? He said, "Nothing." His childhood wasn't perfect. He surely didn't always feel safe. There was a lot of pain in his family. Then he decided there were 2 things worth passing on: 1. his mom always took him to church and 2. she read her Bible every night before bed. And what did I want to pass on? Lots. But especially the stability. The knowledge that people and things would stay consistent. You could count on them.

Have you ever seen the list of the top most stressful things in a person's life? One year in our marriage we had a lot of them. Let's see: I was pregnant, my husband changed jobs, we sold our house and moved into a new one, my mother-in-law passed away. That was all in a span of 4-6 months, too! We made it through that time, but it was hard.

Change is hard. At least for someone who is used to a whole lot of stability. Now don't get me wrong, I like interruptions. Days that are all the same are terribly boring to me. As a teacher I always liked the "special days." Field trips, field day, assemblies, etc. Some teachers HATED that stuff--it interrupted their scheduled day. Not me. But big change? That is a different story.

As you may know, we are gearing up for some big changes around here. The name of this blog is so perfect, folks. I am excited about these changes. They are things I have prayed about. They are blessings from God.

But they are still hard.

My husband starts his new job tomorrow. He ate cake and packed up his desk today at the old job. In 2 days my daughter will be finished with 1st grade at her private school. We will begin homeschooling. I will be quitting my job soon to stay home. This is a lot to take all at once.

Like I said, I am thankful for these blessings. But they do bring stress with them.

13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 16As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. 17Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. Luke 4:13-17

I think what is important is to remember that none of these things came about because of my excellent planning and foresight. All of these things were given to us as gifts. What is expected of me is to live each day as the Lord wants me to. He will take care of tomorrow. I think He's made that abundantly clear.

Lessons From Manna

While I was going through all the turmoil of trusting the Lord with our needs and finances, I was teaching a Bible class for children at our church. We were learning about Moses and the Israelites when they were in the desert. I was teaching the children about the manna God sent for them to eat each morning. I had to read over this section of scripture, of course, before I was ready to teach the lesson. (See Exodus 16)

The Lord commanded the Isrealites to gather only the amount of manna they needed for each day. But some of the people tried to stash some away and the next morning it was covered in maggots. They found out that if they wanted to eat, they had to do things God's way. Now, why did God not allow the Isrealites to have a supply of food on hand so they would not have to worry? They could store it up and not spend every morning going out to gather what they needed. Wouldn't that be smart and responsible of them to ration their food to last longer? And it hit me: He wanted them to depend on Him!!! They had to go to bed each night with faith that God would again supply their food the next day. Each day they woke up and found that He was faithful.

That was very eye-opening for me! I had money in the bank and just because I wasn't adding to that each month, I saw there was no hope. We would eventually run out of money and my biggest fear was that I would have to go back to work full time. My dream of staying home to raise my children would be crushed. They would have to go to daycare-it was all going to be over. But God showed me that He is more than able to supply what I need for each day. We have had some nights when supper wasn't very exciting, but we have never gone hungry. We have always had what we needed. A bag of hand-me-downs here, an offer to go out to eat there, God takes care of us each day. There may be a time in our life when we do not have food or clothes like we would like to have (manna for 40 years?!)...but I go to bed each night now with faith that God will take care of us. No longer do I believe that we are capable of taking care of ourselves all by ourselves.
We need to depend on God. He will send the manna when it is needed and not before.