Monday, February 4, 2013

True Confessions

I am a horrible person. And very selfish.

You know, ever since my ambulance ride nearly a year ago, I have worried more about my health. It was a tiny taste of my own mortality. Something could go wrong. I am not immune to illness and poor health.

Every time I hear a cancer diagnosis (which is a lot) I think, "Oh please not me." We've had two people in the hospital lately--my cousin is still hanging on and a young man at our church just passed away last night. I am sad for them. I pray for them. I am concerned.

But my thoughts go back to me far too often. What if that were our family? What if that happened to me? To us? It's not right to worry. So I'm confessing here that it scares me.

Oh, I'm not afraid to die. I am afraid of leaving my children without their mom. Who would homeschool them? They can't just be dumped into public school! They aren't "on level" in everything! What would happen? What about Little Bit's tics? Who would take care of Baby Bee? It breaks my heart to think of leaving them before they are grown.

So I pray. I pray for mercy that I do not deserve. I pray for good health. I worry about what I'm eating. I worry--what if something is growing in my body right now and I don't know about it? What if we don't catch something until it's really bad?

And I am thankful. I am thankful for every single day I have with them. I am happy to fix their hair and wash their clothes. I am glad to do really normal, unpleasant, everyday mom things. I am thankful that I can do them. That I am here.

But I have to stop worrying. Yes, I need to eat healthy. Yes, we live in a toxic waste dump. I wish we could move. Yes, I need to exercise. Yes, I need to teach my children diligently while I have them here with me.

I am weary. I am tired of diagnoses. I am tired of death. I am tired of this broken creation and of people snubbing their nose at the living God.

And yet, He waits. He does not want anyone to perish. How great is His love for us!

Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

20 comments:

  1. I am not minimizing your worry or making light of it... I feel ALL those things too. It is a horrible way to live, with worry. We had a friend whose husband (a little older than me) just DIE on her last year... I would wake up NIGHTLY, mulitple times and make sure Dave was alive. I would call and text him, I was scared for him to drive.... anyway, it was an awful way to live. I had to give it to God, I was making myself sick.

    But I will tell you right now... I would home school your girls before I would see them put in public school and I would keep Bee too! So take that concern off--- I never said I was the best home schooler in the world but I would do whatever I needed too!

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  2. Well that is a burden I hope you never see! But that does make me feel good! Still--ready to stop worryingq

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  20. right there with ya, my friend! being a mother changes everything. even how we look at death. i've often wondered if my hubs would be tempted to just put the girls in ps... because that's what many would tell him to do, i'm sure. *sigh* then there's trying to work and hs at the same time... hoping we don't have to really deal with those worries. hugs!

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I don't get to talk to a lot of actual grown-ups during the day, so your comments make me really happy! :)