I am a horrible person. And very selfish.
You know, ever since my ambulance ride nearly a year ago, I have worried more about my health. It was a tiny taste of my own mortality. Something could go wrong. I am not immune to illness and poor health.
Every time I hear a cancer diagnosis (which is a lot) I think, "Oh please not me." We've had two people in the hospital lately--my cousin is still hanging on and a young man at our church just passed away last night. I am sad for them. I pray for them. I am concerned.
But my thoughts go back to me far too often. What if that were our family? What if that happened to me? To us? It's not right to worry. So I'm confessing here that it scares me.
Oh, I'm not afraid to die. I am afraid of leaving my children without their mom. Who would homeschool them? They can't just be dumped into public school! They aren't "on level" in everything! What would happen? What about Little Bit's tics? Who would take care of Baby Bee? It breaks my heart to think of leaving them before they are grown.
So I pray. I pray for mercy that I do not deserve. I pray for good health. I worry about what I'm eating. I worry--what if something is growing in my body right now and I don't know about it? What if we don't catch something until it's really bad?
And I am thankful. I am thankful for every single day I have with them. I am happy to fix their hair and wash their clothes. I am glad to do really normal, unpleasant, everyday mom things. I am thankful that I can do them. That I am here.
But I have to stop worrying. Yes, I need to eat healthy. Yes, we live in a toxic waste dump. I wish we could move. Yes, I need to exercise. Yes, I need to teach my children diligently while I have them here with me.
I am weary. I am tired of diagnoses. I am tired of death. I am tired of this broken creation and of people snubbing their nose at the living God.
And yet, He waits. He does not want anyone to perish. How great is His love for us!
Come quickly, Lord Jesus!